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pinkpanda3310
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06.07.2010, 09:40 AM

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
Emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
   
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pinkpanda3310
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06.07.2010, 09:43 AM

On the first day,

God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.



On the second day,

God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.



Very funny picture cow wants a kiss face close-up
On the third day,

God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'


The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.



On the fourth day,

God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God,

'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves ... For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren ... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
   
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  (#33)
pinkpanda3310
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06.07.2010, 09:47 AM

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
   
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pinkpanda3310
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06.07.2010, 09:50 AM

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
   
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pinkpanda3310
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06.07.2010, 09:56 AM

The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.




Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


*** Remember....
They walk among us, they vote, and they breed!!!***
   
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  (#36)
Chadworkz
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06.07.2010, 07:09 PM

[1] How far can a dog run into the woods? Only half way, then he's running out.

[2] How does a whale have oral sex? He bites the cap off of a submarine and sucks the seamen out.

[3] What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky!

[4] What do you call a dog with no legs at all? It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!

[5] Where do you find a dog with no legs at all? Right where you left him!

[6] What do you call a woman with only one leg? Ilene

[7] What do you call a Chinese woman with only one leg? Irene

[8] What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!

[9] What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall? Dam!


-Chad
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  (#37)
reno911
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06.08.2010, 01:43 PM

Good bar joke/trick!

After a few rounds, you being a bit more sober than you pal. Bet your pal that you can drink 5 beers before he can drink one shot. Loser pays for the round.

So order five beers and a shot of what he prefers.

Then tell him these two rules.

One: You get a one beer head start, he can not start drinking until you set down your first glass.

Two: No one but you can touch any of your beers, nor can anyone but him touch his shot.

Once he agrees, drink your first beer and turn it over upside down on the top of his shot glass.

Then enjoy the remaining four beers as your buddy sits with the tab.

Last edited by reno911; 06.09.2010 at 10:46 AM.
   
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Chadworkz
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06.08.2010, 11:43 PM

I've actually seen that joke done on a TV show!


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bumsnogger
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Red face 06.09.2010, 11:49 AM

Two chavs are walking down the road looking up at the seagulls.One says"what'd ya do if a bird shitted on yer ed?" the other replies"kick er f*****g ed in"
   
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more chav jokes!
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bumsnogger
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Smile more chav jokes! - 06.09.2010, 11:53 AM

2 chavs get married.They're on honeymoon in the caravan in the garden,The girl says"go easy I'm a virgin" The lad runs into the house and says"Dad she's a virgin".The dad replies"Get rid of her son,she's not good enough for her own family,she's not good enough for ours"
   
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  (#41)
reno911
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06.09.2010, 11:54 AM

^^^^^^^^^
Horrible!!!













But Funny!
   
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bumsnogger
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06.09.2010, 11:54 AM

More chav jokes!!! How do you get a chav pregnant? Ejaculate on her feet and let the flies do the rest!
   
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bumsnogger
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06.09.2010, 11:58 AM

Hi reno 11.Your location's near where I am.lol And every joke pushes me a little closer.lol
   
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reno911
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06.09.2010, 12:35 PM

No but seriously Reno is located next to a smaller little city called Sparks. Google it. Funny stuff. Pretty sad too, since I grew up in Sparks. I have to imagine you have seen at least one episode of Reno 911, maybe not since your in UK, but if you have that is pretty much a pretty good representation of how it really is living here. Google search Sun Valley Nevada. Biggest trailer park in the US supposedly...
   
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reno911
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06.09.2010, 12:37 PM

A good joke, read the last line...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_Valley,_Nevada
   
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